Shock news emerging from the Premier League

It has been revealed that a well known Premier League footballer who plays for a club currently in the top 19 suffered from a runny nose last week. It is believed the incident happened during a daily training session. A club insider said, “He was taking part in the training session as normal when his proboscis started running like a tap. At first the rest of the lads were joking about it and said his beak was running faster than he was, however, they soon became concerned when the condition continued for over a minute”.

Streaming Snout

The multi-millionaire player was examined first by the club physio and then by the club doctor before the player was “bluelighted” to the nearest hospital where a leading surgeon examined the streaming snout. He was quarantined and the rest of the ward was evacuated. After urgent medical treatment, consisting of three tissues and holding his head back for 30 seconds, the player was sent home. He has been ordered to stay in his mock tudor mansion for 14 days and watch Netflix. The club released an official statement to the press stating, “There was an incident at the club training ground this morning. This was handled by our medical staff and wonderful minimum wage professionals within the NHS. The situation presents no risk to the other players, however the player has been told to rest at home as a precaution. We will continue to pay his exorbitant wages during this time”.


However, a source amongst the other players told us, “The club are trying to keep this situation quiet but we are all concerned. I saw the snotstream for myself and I have two small children. The club say they have dug up the pitch and disinfected every inch of the training ground but me and the rest of the lads think we should all be sent away as a precaution, preferably to somewhere like Dubai for a few weeks. I might earn an ungodly amount of money, but my and my families health is nearly as important. Innit?”


We contacted the club for further comment, however, a spokesman told us they has no further comment. It is believed other Premier League clubs have put preventative measures in place such as custom “snotoons” at the side of the training pitches so the players can empty their sniffers before training sessions. A spokesman for the Premier League said, “There are no plans to suspend the league at the moment, however, if we get a shitstorm of three outraged tweets from snowflakes on Twitter, we would consider the position.

Player’s House

We did attempt to contact the overrated, completely one footed player who jumps out of tackles, directly, but his wife said, “He is resting up at the moment and is bingeing on season two of a God awful Netflix drama.”


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