Axe Quits Due To WANK

Famous Ukranian serial killer, Wolfgang Axe, appears to have turned over a new leaf after taking on a job as a taxi driver. The psychotic schizophrenic, believed to be responsible for at least 3,000 brutal murders in the city of Kiev and surrounding areas, was recently controversially released from high security prison in a blaze of publicity. Despite being the most prolific serial killer in Ukranian history, Axe is somewhat of a folk hero due to his colourful personality and quirky interviews. He has several fan clubs, receives thousands of letters from admirers and sells his own merchandise carrying the slogan, “Axe Kills”.

Axe Kills


The dramatic release of Axe is down to a new miracle drug, WANK (Wake And Not Kill), which is believed to be a complete cure for schizophrenia. The wonder serum, developed by pharmacutical company Trillionaire, was originally trialled on baboons and a giraffe, to great success. During the trial, not one of the animals showed any psychopathic tendencies, and it was decided to further the experiment on angry women. Although this only had mixed success, Trillionaire advertised for more human guinea pigs and Axe, who was facing 2,568 life sentences in solitary confinement, volunteered, after gaining permission from both prison authorities and government officials. The drug is said to literally “eviscerate” so many of the bad brain cells that cause the murderous impulses that it can make the most evil man into a saint. One British satorist even quipped, “they should try it on Tony Blair”. Mr Axe was put on an intense course of the drug while in prison, with miraculous results, and now says his killing days are over. In a recent interview with Ukranian tv on his release, he stated, “God has never spoken to me once since I started on my new medication. I probably won’t ever kill again……………… Although I can never say never.”

When Axe was arrested, police were horrified to find a “life size” chess set in his basement with some of his dead victims as the “pieces”. His terrifying confessions also revealed that he was so consumed by psychosis, he would exhume previous buried victims so he could “re-murder” them.

Rusty Fork

Axe, who favoured the “hacking to death with a rusty fork” method of murder, has been released on parole. A local taxi company offered him a job as he is very familiar with the streets and the surrounding area. He offers his passengers a tour of some of his infamous murder haunts and can give exclusive behind the scenes access to locations he has never disclosed before. He has signed a multi million dollar book deal for his memoirs and also wishes to present an art exhibition of some of his grisly “trophies” including body parts hacked from his victims. Hollywood have expressed an interest in purchasing the rights to his life story with Liam Neeson lined up to take the starring role.

It looks like Axe has got his second chance. So the next time you are in Kiev and you hail a taxi, you could be entering the vehicle of one of the country’s most notorious celebrities. Just ensure you don’t “do a runner” without paying!


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