A new drug that is making its way across Europe has simultaneously got users “excited out of their brainstores” and authorities more concerned “than they have ever been”. A pill named Neptune is said to raise the bar for the drug induced high, literally up into space. The pill, which comes in a metallic presentation box is said to be fetching upwards of £1000 per pill in certain high end establishments in the west end of London, football dressing rooms and rumour has it, the Houses of Parliament. The pill, streetnamed “Yuri” after famous space cadet Yuri Gagarin, is quickly becoming the drug of choice for celebrities and MPs.
Rick Waller’s Nuts
Over recent years, euphoric pills have become more popular due to the crackdown on hard drugs such as cocaine, heroin and buying two boxes of Nurofen. Pills are easier to access either on the street or from the dark web. Anyone can purchase these pills online with no questions asked (except name and address for delivery details). Several city centres all around the country are now like ghost towns on a weekend as youngsters prefer to stay at home and pop pills like a Pez dispenser in reverse. Some are swallowed, some are crushed and smoked and some are so potent they only need to be looked at to cause tremors. Ketamine, Wully Bully and Rick Waller’s Nut Nuts are all found in England’s living rooms. As quickly as the authorities crackdown on them, scientists in eastern european laboratories are inventing new ones.
Bungle’s Slices
Tested extensively on gibbons and students, the scientists only release new pills onto the marketplace if they have a 50% survival rate amongst their “guinea pigs”. Pills have caused a whole new wave of street slang which helps to disguise the details of the drugs being bought or taken. Only the other day I heard a supplier on the train on his mobile phone, talking in code:- “I’m off to the factory for the goofballs . I was on the glass last night and I got through a bag of Bungle’s slices. Don’t freeze me out on the dolphins . I got a chippy on the cheeseboard“. Anyone overhearing this may have thought this guy was talking nonsense, however he was actually describing a sophisticated drugs deal.
Recent euphoric pills such as Meeow Meeow, Instastroke and Alan Carr’s Goggling Bins have easily been available on the streets and online for the price of a pint of lager. However, “Yuri’s” or Neptune, is set to leave all other pills trailing in its wake despite it’s high price tag. I spoke to one of the creators of the drug by Skype from Lithuania. He gave his name as “Dr X” and some of his comments were chilling. “We’ve really hit on something with Neptune. The amazing thing about this stuff is that it cannot be banned as it does not contain anything illegal. It only contains natural ingredients mixed with stuff you can find in any shops such as weed killer, petrol and Lynx. Anybody who has the recipe could make it themselves in 5 minutes. We’ve found that mixing certain ingredients with the chemicals, datura stramonium, hydromonadrilloxidemonaminate and salt can access a certain part of the brain that we’ve never accessed before.”
One Dead Student
He went on to explain that Neptune affects a part of the brain scientists refer to as “Blair’s Ballbag”which is the area of the brain which controls time dimension and distance relativity. In an amazing claim, Mr X actually states that this pill can “literally” take you into space. He went on: “Listen, the reason this pill is going to revolutionise drug use as we know it, is that the high is unlike anything else a human has encountered. This makes crack seem like half a pint of light ale in a working man’s club in Dudley being served by a dog of a barmaid. Imagine having the best crystal meth hit ever, combine that with a simultaneous orgasm whilst finding out you have won a triple rollover on the Euromillions and at the same time scoring the winning goal in the last minute of a soccer World Cup Final AND then finding out that your wife wants a quick divorce and no maintenance payments. That’s a Neptune trip. This will change humanity.”
100% Safe
I asked about the dangers. “Let’s put it this way. Nothing is 100% safe. That’s water, air, anything. People can drop dead at anytime. In testing, we have only lost a handful of small animals and one student, but she had asthma anyway, so who’s to say that wasn’t to blame.” When asked for further details of how this stuff worked, Mr X said cryptically, “What if I told you we had found a way to space travel without ever leaving your sofa.“
Pills and Policies
A huge underground buzz has now started about Neptune with users frantically trying to get their hands on pills. MP’s, footballers, rock stars and fishmongers are already experiencing it. One well known Premiership London footballer recently didn’t turn up for a training session as he was “still on his way back from Uranus“. I managed to speak to a MP who was very interested that I was writing an article about Neptune. While he obviously wished to remain nameless, he agreed to be photographed in diguise.
The MP told me he had first sampled the pill while he was on a “business trip” to Monte Carlo with his young, buxom blonde secretary. He told me, “I purchased it for 1500 euros which I claimed back on expenses. I’ve obviously tried cocaine, meth etc, but this was something else. I never thought I’d get to travel through space. But to be able to do it from my hotel room, all at the tax payer’s expense ,was something I’d never thought possible in my lifetime. It is now more popular than prostitutes amongst MP’s. It is cheaper, less risky and a much more mind blowing experience. Some of my colleagues will not make a policy decision until they’ve “been in space” first.”
While apparently safe, users of Neptune may want to be aware that the time distortion effect can affect different people in different ways. Some users “trips” can last for up to a fortnight at a time while others is less than a nanosecond. It is only a matter of time before the recipe is leaked, the price drops and Neptune is as common as the homeless. In months to come, city centres all over the country will have dealers asking you if you fancy “putting on a space helmet“. What will you say?
MH
For the Hideous ethical streetwear range, visit www.MrHideous.com